(Bad) luck

Being sick during christmas is the worst punishment ever.
Being double sick after having a awesome christmas eve party is bad.
Missing another family gathering right after christmas cause you are sick is luck.

Christmas Eve

Yes it's christmas today and I spend some time on my laptop to write about some thoughts I have. I have the worst cold I ever had since beginning of my life and I am suffering, probably I will drink a bottle of wine later and forget all about it haha.

I miss my father and this year it is the first year I dont spend christmas eve with my mother. Instead I sit with my sister and her husband, their kids and her husbands mother and the famous "Tante Irmchen" something like "Aunt Irmchen". I have never met her and I am not very eager to but it will probably be fun. I know that the mother of my sisters husband (let's call her Annie) is very friendly to Tante Irmchen, cause Tante Irmchen has a lot of money and owns some appartements. And Annie likes to travel and her best skill is to burn her money for some odd things like clothes, beauty surgeries and all that. Unfortunately Annie has no money anymore and Tante Irmchen doesnt wanna die. But Annie will get money and an appartement in case Tante Irmchen dies and so she is very friendly to her.

Knowing all that and knowing they dont know that I know gives me some sadistic pleasure and I know my sister and me will just lean back, sip our wine and grin to each other. Oh what a holy night! My sisters 2 kids will get a lot of presents except from Tante Irmchen I think, well did I mention she hates to spend her money on such odd things? Probably Annie likes it cause more will be left for her and I know we will have to listen to her complains about her poor life and how less money she has. I really pity her that she cannot do three cruises a year anymore and also no face lifting, life can really suck. I hope I won't laugh when her complains become louder and louder until my sisters husband will give her 100 Euro so she can at least buy herself something to eat the next day. He will probably give her 50 Euro more when my nephew accidently spill some redwine on her (new) Chanel dress.

I will lean back, enjoy the holy night and think how lucky I am with my no name skirt, my trinkets and my wrinkled face. In two days I will see my mother and that will be my real christmas eve.

Shopping

I have been shopping a lot lately. Usually I try to compensate something or do it when I think I have earned it cause I worked a lot or something else. But the reason was that I didn't really bought something new the last 2 years. Only the most necessary stuff. After an inspection of my closet I found out that I only have jeans and shirts. Wow, jeans and shirts. Awesome. Nothing nice for going out, well at least nothing that still fits.

It's not that I feel super awesome or pretty but today I went out for dinner and I wore my brand new skirt, a nice top and some hot boots and I felt hot. I felt some gazes on my thighs and butt and it made me smile. Guess I am starting to feel pretty again! I deserve that!

For you

"I Don't Believe You"

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
'cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

I don't believe you

I like ...

David Garrett, the most handsome and talented German I've seen since a long time. Germany goes nuts since a year and women faint wherever he shows up. His music is amazing and his talent is stunning.


Fast forward to 2.20

"melts"

Message to vault

From above you can see my heart beating, I am still here trying to live my life. I am not leaving yet and my eyes are looking upward telling you how much I miss you. My tears trickle on the cold stone where your name is written upon, just anonymous letters who cannot tell the story of your life. I breathe your name, give it color and face the past in the mirrow of my soul. You are still alive in my heart, in my soul. Whatever happened doesnt matter anymore, but I still feel the pain like a knife in my heart. So many words unspoken, did you really know I love you no matter what had happened before? Tears cooling my cheeks but not the suffer of the loss, too early you had to go, too many what if's penetrate my thoughts again and again. Your life is part of mine and will always be, my blood is yours and you live through me.

Miss you so much, Papa.

Fly Party

What do you do when you're bored?

This is my suggestion:
1. Kill some flies
2. Dry them for one hour in the sun or on the heating
3. Take paper and a pen and be creative.

You'll see, you aren't bored anymore :-P












LOL

Up's and Down's

I know I should be creative and write something funny to enlighten the world, but I so dont feel like it. To be honest, I have no clue what to write, I just feel frustrated, empty, down, ugly, sick, unloved and not in the mood to do anything at all.

And I know after each "Down" comes an "Up", so tonight I will drink a nice glass of red wine (or two) and await the "Up" with open arms. I will suffer in self-pity and humbly accept my bestowed fate.

I will listen to sad music, eat half a kilo of chocolate and a ton of cheese. I will feel even more bad and late at night I will shower in my tears. To crown it all I may watch a Brokeback mountain or worse or just watch the stars and think of the meaning of life, the pollution, the hungry people all over the world and the billions of animals suffering of human violence and cruelty.

Yeah, all that.